peace the spork out to my sanity.

yeah.
as of right now, i'm insane.

cold war started on tuesday.
the day i sent kaira the octopus and polka dot ben off.
i'm enjoying this actually.

i wanna watch meet the spartans!

FGTG has 3000 hits already.
what joy.

i'm happy for you both.
i really am.
((:

juno was really good.
ellen page is my favourite new actress.

no mood to blog.
thanks to a certain someone.

its absolute rage and frustration.
and i cant even let it out.

i cant stand the way how she likes to talk to me like i'm an idiot.
god.
fuck this.

do i have to lower my pride and apologise for something that i though i should stand up for?
oh right.
i already did.
i dont want to fight with you.
because it hurts to do so.
but since you want to drag this on.
then so be it.
i'll give you my so called attitude.
bury myself with my insecurities.
and just give in. just let me keep giving in alright?
cause i dont want to keep going against you.
i dont.

I sang your songs, I danced your dance 
I gave your friends all a chance 
But putting up with them 
Wasn't worth never having you 

why can't you try to understand the position that i'm in?
why can't you try to understand the reason why i cry myself to sleep at night?
thinking that i'm not good enough for you.
afraid that your friends think that i'm not good enough for you.

i never gave my friends a chance to think that way.
until now.


yeah, i'm hurt.
all i need is for you to tell me its going to be alright.

i'm so fat.
i just cant seem to believe how fat i am.
i havent been this fat since, EVER.
shit.
i think gym today didnt work at all.

being jobless and having too much time at home makes me think too much.
i hate being at home and not doing anything.
i just simply hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.

sorry, i seem to be feeling all the angst.
and the pressure.
and the negativity.
its all weighing on my shoulders.
its like being buried underground and trying to dig your way up.

sometimes you'll just think.
is that it?
is this all?
is that all i want out of life?
or is that all life has to offer me?

i can't keep waiting for something to happen.
it gets depressing all the time.

i'm in need of a job.
but i can't seem to get any.
i dont like this much.
serious.
everyone says i'm too fussy.
i even went into retail la.
call me fussy.
go to hell people.

feeling the urge to throw my phone out of the window.
or stomping on my phone.
i dont want to wait for it anymore.

i miss you.

GPA's made me feel like crap.
i though things will be better this semester.
but it seems that the way they've calculated is full of crap.
i feel like a useless bum.

i'm peeling cause of my sunburns.
did i mention that i feel like crap?
and jobless?

my eyes are swollen.
i dont understand how.

oh yeah, i watched ps i love you.
used a whole packet of tissue paper and i had my friend laughing at me.
but its a really sweet movie.

it'll make you feel like the one you love the most will leave you.

i thought m heart was cold and unloving.
maybe it is.
staring out the window wondering how all this actually happened?
all this done to get what i needed to get in life?
so come to think of it, am i really happy?

two hearts are beating along to the same song.
is this fate? is this meant to be?
or am i just dreaming?

i think the hardest part of it all is not the letting go.
its realising that i couldnt forgive him in time and let him go in peace.
somehow.
i still can't forgive, like something that's stuck there and i can't remove the pain.
and its all getting old.

soryy.
its not meant to be emo. crap.

i went to the zoo today.
the lastest people seem to be the earliest.

i seriously have no mood to blog now though.

can i tell you that i'm in love with you?

after so many days.
you're still a pain in my ass.

waking up to fins a message that says I Love You.
makes valentines day totally overrated doesnt it?

CNY pictures would be up later i guess.

last day of work proved to be a little emotional on my way home.
but it was fun during closing.
with so many unknown substances in my hair.
i got attacked by a raw egg straight to my hair.
followed by whipped cream.
the different types of ice tea found in Coffee Bean.
thank god there was no coffee.
did i mention that a whole can of whipped cream was used?
i had to change.
have supper at the outlet.
took back what i've accomplished over the past year and more.
i realised on the way home.
and thats when i started crying i guess.

i'm too attached.

i cant wait to go out with you.

CNY is here.
paper worth something is worth keeping and saving up.
of course i'm talking about money.

family is late.
i had not enough sleep.
my dress is too short that i have to go and change again.
my shoes hurt.
all signs pointing to an awesome CNY.
now who am i kidding.

i can't be bothered with you anymore.
it doesnt matter what you say to me or how right you like to think you are.
you dont exist.

so you want me to make a move?
cause i'm comtemplating on what to do.
will you?

i cannot wait for CNY!

its only once a year where i get to see family that i dont get to see.
oh well.

i need to be in a good mood for tomorrow!
no more swollen eyes from crying nessa!

verbal vomit in the next few paragraphs.

so please, if you can't read, skip it.

A is a guy, he likes C. and its very obvious that C's a girl.

B is A's close friend.

C gets really irritated by B very very easily.

A and C both like each other, something really obvious. something like a relationship. A keeps to himself most of the time but's he the most happy go lucky guy you'll ever meet. C is afraid to actually go into the relationship with A because of what B said once upon a time. that A doesn't love her and that he just wnats to be there for her. that A is just playing along because C is someone that he'll never forget. A and C used to be together by the way. so B feels her up with insecurities because B feels that its a problem that needs to be solved. and basically, its not his problem to begin with.

so fast forward a couple of weeks. B contacts C. C is irritated to see his name to appear on her phone to begin with. when she saw the message, she got even more irritated. B asked C out, when B jolly well knew that A wouldn't like it. neither did C by the way. so she said no. then B asked another question. "Eh. I heard that A is not entertaining you now." gosh. so it seems that A is an entertainment tool for B. which pissed C off even more. then B goes on to tell C that A is working most of the days while he should be studying. every girls has a limit. and C has reached hers. so, to keep from flaring, she tries not to be bothered about it and said that its A's problem. because she feels that A is obviously old enough to think for himself. then, B goes and show A the message and A thinkts that she doesn't care. and a fight started.

well, OBVIOUSLY C would think that its B's fault right. but guess what B says to justify this. I'M HELPING MY FRIEND TO SOLVE HIS PROBLEM. did your friend ask you to sole this problem to begin with? is it your problem? what goes on between A and C? telling lies to say that C doesn't care. well. does B even know C as a person? C doesn't even consider B as a friend to begin with. but B just likes to meddle in other people's business right?

well let me tell you this. you don't know me in the first place to even know what i'm thinking in the first place. you are not my friend. i repeat. YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING FRIEND. because it was between me and him. nothing to do with you. do you think you're being a friend by fucking up other people's relationships? by doing things you shouldn't? just because you think its right, it doesn't mean its the same to other people. even though he's the most happy go lucky person alive, doesn't mean that he'll be happy 24/7. you give advice only when asked. and not make it your own point to solve other people's problems when you can't solve your own. you dont think about both parties. what that you're saying that you do think? you don't.you're not my friend. why should i trust you on relationship advice? who the fuck are you to fucking tell me what the fuck love is? if your advice actually do work. who dont you have a girlfriend for god knows how many years and marry her. understand this. NOTHING IS PERFECT. he and i? we're not perfect. but we're trying. and sometimes trying doesn't work out. but its not up to you to fucking decide damnit. i'm not taking your advice because its not worht anything. you can't rush someone into loving you. its either he does or he doesn't. idiot.

when other people have problems, its not up to you to solve them or not. they have to solve it for themselves. thats how they learn. thats how they grow as a person. thats where experience comes in. i'm not saying that i'm an expert. but friends like these really kill a relationship. or whats left of it. because i bet any girl out there, wouldn't want a boyfriend who has his friend poking into their relationship all the time. or have a boyfriend who has his friend to solve whatever problems he has all the time? grow up. you cant protect him forever. and its not like he needs it.

B, an honest word. does anyone appreciate what you've done? C most definately doesn't. and i'm not sure about A.

BUT JUST FUCKING HELL LEAVE ME ALONE.

on another note, i've never disliked any of his friends. but you're another case all together.

i fucking dislike you to a point where i can actually put the word hate down. but i pray that its the anger thats speaking.

i'm sure many of you have seen me pissed. and i shout and stuff. but to be really angry. i guess no one has seen it before. i've only been angry at three people so far. God, my mohter and my father. and now a total stranger has been added to the list. i may do irrational things when i'm pissed. but when i'm angry. i just do one thing.

i cry. i dont know why. then i have to let the anger out. so i write, which let to this verbal vomit.

i'm sorry to have to put you through all of this.

i need to keep myself with happy things.

last day of work is on sunday. relived at some point. fucking sad on the other.

job hunting sucks.

not sure if i can go PLAY.

but zoo is next week though.

i hope i can really look forward to it.

CNY is coming. i hope things will only get better from here. seriously.

i really didn't like how i lost it just now. i never liked not being in control.

things i need to do during the holidays.

FYP.

GYM.

SWIM.

TAN.

i need to look good for school reopen. ((:

you took his phone without his permission? you're just making someone else's business yours.
well.
go to hell.

the past few days have been full of crap.

good thing about it is that i've managed to meet the people i've missed.
and some i didn't managed to catch up with.

last day of school.
oh well.

i know the reason for rejection.